Mémores of a time traveler - part 2

On the eve of new year 2012, when everyone was merry making and partying, I signed the lease of my first solo apartment.

I was thrilled to finally be embarking on a phase that was defined by nothing more than my own moods, schedules and agendas. But I also dreaded discovering, alone, my own soul. Which was nothing compelling or exciting.

What if I don't want to be with me?

Very scary thought but at the same time a dream come true. What happened next is more than an adventure. But believe me, each moment was worth to live for!


I had dreams, wishes and styles to show off. It was a time when not only my parents, siblings or friends were dotting me but I was also raising my eye brows!

The clock struck 12 and there were the fireworks, marking the start of race towards my new life, destiny; my new earth.

It all seems perfectly choreographed by the greatest choreographer of all times. All I had to do was to catch His beat and dance in perfect harmony to; His tunes & rhythm.

The week passed easily; living with myself wasn't difficult, my first judgement but I deliberated too soon. The apartment had perfect two rooms, fully decorated in my style; amalgamation of eastern handcrafted items with wooden contemporary furniture. The rooms were neither too big nor small in fact perfect. Amber, lavender and fruit flavored aromatic candles scented the tranquil and peaceful mood with their enchanting fragrances along with yellow dim lights. I called it the 'meditation corner'.

Mango yellow, the pretty blue and jogia orange were my partners; inhabiting and putting life back into me. My soul wasn't silver in fact it was grey and wanted to absorb all these hues to nurture its broken believes and faith in itself.

My major fear wasn't living with myself but 'knowing' myself, my soul'. I didn't know what I wanted than but yes I had a fair good idea what I didn't want in my life than.

My thoughts quite often wondered like a lost kite waiting to get caught or sometimes like a firefly illuminating the darkness of solitude. Or sometimes like a song, very well thought and lyrical. Sometimes just like a child chasing a balloon in the deep green meadows.

I was a child in a woman's body who was scared but enthusiast, all boastful about being independent.

Every independence has its own dependence and so was I! I was dependent on the past experiences, mine and all the around me. It felt like a humongous tower of beliefs and faith. All too scared to break. I was chained to them by birth. I had grown up with those chains. They nurtured, protected and sometimes cuddled me in great anxiety. But not for long!

Things were changing and changing pretty fast. Once what charmed me, now disgusted me. It seemed like a heep pf garbage that instead of holding and providing me happiness, abandoned me in the land of the man-eaters.

Yes, it abandoned me because I asked a question, a question that troubled me since I converged my eyes away from the illuminating and alluring lights of the tower. It was an act of treason, no one turns away, no one leaves or questions but simply follow. Like young monks, or 'talibs' who religiously chants and follow their mentors (dare I say, masters) without knowing why or what?

Now I was freed, freed to go my way. My detachment was the process of metamorphosis. No one leaves easily or happily. Every freedom has a price and mine was paid too!! I had to loose my colors, my identity, myself (which I thought was myself), my beliefs, desires and mostly my dreams.

It wasn't easy but not impossible. the tower couldn't digest me so it threw me out of its system before I polluted more circumference. But after changing my route away from my lighthouse, I faced the most critical question, I never thought and asked myself,

'What is my way? Where's my lighthouse? Who am I going to follow?"

I felt lost like "Alice" from the wonderland who fell into the deep and dark well of time and space. I felt lost because my mind was slave mind and it again wanted a master to follow, to show path; maybe a new belief system?

All I could hope was to find my "Mr. Rabbit" or "Cheshire Cat" who could lead me to destiny, my real journey.

"...But, I was just wondering if you could help me find my way!"

"Well that depends on where you want to get to? Oh! it really doesn't matter as long as I,...."

"Then it really doesn't matter which way you go!"

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