'Goodbyes are temporary'

I quite vividly remember the day when my dearest mother took me to Nursery class at Esena Foundation. I was crying like anything, I was somehow seated in the class and for three days, teachers allowed her to sit outside class for my comfort. She is there, I kept turning back after a while until I got used to the new routine and fourth day she wasn't allowed and I had to deal on my own. And I did, however. I still remember the panic attacks and urges to go bathroom and feeling ugly, no one wanting to be my friend, even so laughing at me. It was a girls only school. And believe me girls could be ruthless even at age 3 or 4.

Anyway, my second challenge started and my self esteem and confidence took charge inplace of fear, sadness and pain. It happened so that instead of calling or writing my name properly,  'Areefa', the whole Nursery class and half of the prep class I was 'Arifa'. That wasn't me, even on the copies. Simply that wasn't me. I remember very very particularly when I told Mrs. Rao in prep school that, 'my name is Areefa with 'ee' and not Arifa.' So she better call me and write on copies my name not some other girls name! Well that's another aspect, how much they tried to bond with their one of struggling new commer. But any way. I survived with low self esteem and missed my mother every single day. Exactly after a year, my younger sister joined me in school, I was made her custodian. A 4.5 year little girl who was already figuring her ways out and fighting her way in the discomfort zone, she had company. She was much calmer, never cried and settled in quite well, except she used to do a whole sum in one small square of a mathematics copy. Well, that was an art, no!

I was the big sister and a guardian within the premises of that school. So I had to put a brave and examplnery face to all of it, I did. Whatever made it happen, probably one teacher Miss Bushra, her mother was bursesur of our school, Mrs. Abdullah. I was also fascinated by Miss Sadia's, thick and curly briad. And I still remember the definition of a 'Noun' & spelling of 'Science'. Because she taught us at our level, she knew each one of us. Anyway. Time passed on, I became head captain of the same school. Won so many awards and positions in intwr school debates, poetry recitation, Best Qirrat, 100% attendance, General knowledge Quiz and dramatics.

Now came the college, my mother was again there on the first day, she drove me to Gulberg College and took me to notice board but yet again I needed Mother's help. And she did teach me how to find my class rooms as per my elective subjects, while I was noting and talking to her as if she was standing at the back in a crowd of girls, I heard no affirmation to what I was saying! So on that silence, and not hearing her sweet melodious guidelines, I turned back, and saw her leaving in the courtyard of the college.

I yelled, Ami (mother) and she waved me goodbye from a distant, saying in Punjabi, 'hun aapaye kar' (figure out yourself). And once again I felt drowing in the sea of girls but thankfully I found the bestest friends, my alteregos, till the death make us apart probably that would be temporary too, I'm sure of this.

Same way, last year 18th June 2020 my mother left for hospital on her own feet, waving good bye from the car, never had I thought but in retrospective today, that would be her last goodbye saying, 'hun aapaye kar' (figure out yourself). She gave me life long lessons throughout but these moments never leave me. My first day at school, college and her going to hospital. May her soul be at peace and happy with how I am doing myself.

01 September 2021, my daughter's first day of school during Covid times, like on and off school. I feel and believe, I am now mother and she is little Areefa but much courages and ready for life because she is the granddaughter of an amazing brave and smart lady, Tallat. Tallat Bhatty, you were and will always remain, our inspiration. Your stories would be told to our generations forever. You simply didn't go, we never said lasting good bye because we have to meet again after this temporary veil. But I promise you and vow, you surely left a legacy, you're a legend.

Thank you for your motherhood and the life long lessons despite your absence.

Signing off, a time traveller,
See you on the next side. 

@areefaazamofficial 

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